my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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