I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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