Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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