Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
