You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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