In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
