I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
