Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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