i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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