i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
