I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
