Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
