I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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