Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
