We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
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whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
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Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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