I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
