We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's official drugs can't kill me
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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