If that was your dad, he is hot
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
