I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
