is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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