How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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