I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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