It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
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He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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