I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize