I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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