Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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