She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
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Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
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You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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