I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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