My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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