at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
