Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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