I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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