mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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