this beer tastes like vomit already
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
