i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
