There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize