I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
