At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
