Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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