mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
sex in a hospital.. check
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
