I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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