I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
