we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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