The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
