If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
