just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
