Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
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Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
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Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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