Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
