i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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