The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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