btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
