i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
