hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
