I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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