I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
