I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
