Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
