I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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