Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
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I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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