69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
