My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
