Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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